If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.