HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
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WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.