I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“That’s what” – She
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes