[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
What?!?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.