I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Well, shit
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.