Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off