The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.