Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Perfect
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
What about a To-Don’t List?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.