I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.