I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please