when there are deer in the woods
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
San Francisco has too many rules
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.