Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Note to self: always read the final line
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.