[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
You Might Also Like
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.