Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”