My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
The booster protects against what, now?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.