A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
#Caturday
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: