DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.