me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
You Might Also Like
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.