[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Can. I. Help. You.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too