If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
another case of gang violins
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The French word for sex is croissant.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.