selena gomez
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.