Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Wise advice
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.