Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired