“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Every work meeting this week
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Netflix: We have Less
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on