You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*