Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks