In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?