My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?