Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
You are what you delete.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”