Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.