[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
craving $300 all of a sudden
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!