Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
These work great until they don’t.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My favorite female superhero
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?