He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
You Might Also Like
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Oops
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!