Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
normalize having existential bread
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Weirdos gonna weird.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.