I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?