Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Optional boss fight.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?