Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
You Might Also Like
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it