I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
That’s classic.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.