One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The Backseat Boys
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes