My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥