ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Huge, if true.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician