My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.