I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
haha same
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount