Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though