How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.