[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
You Might Also Like
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”