[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.