Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice