7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
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It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Pickled cat.
March 16
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
#StillHurts
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”