I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things